Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The touristic tour series: Los Angeles, USA

Another 4-day travel package to our new destination: Los Angeles

Day 1: Landing at the Los Angeles International Airport at 10 PM. Full body inspection at the Customs for bacteria checkout. 3-hour waiting for luggage delivery and another 3 hours to find the exit gate. Night bus transfer to the hotel with television sets above each sit broadcasting bodybuilding TV shows. Breakfast at the hotel on arrival: two eggs, sourdough toast, coffee or chocolate splash and fresh orange juice.
Morning visit of Beverly Hills ghetto on trolley. Regular stops to allow tour participants to take pictures of Brenda's house and Dylan's college. Day view of Sunset Boulevard and Santa Monica by bus. 2 miles down Angeles crest Scenic byway, interchange on SR1 overlapping I-405, then eastbound exit to Riverside Drive after reaching Verdugo Road's forty-fourth traffic light. Confused replies to participants asking where Melrose Place is.
Lunch in a macrobiotic restaurant located on 7119 Melrose Avenue. Menu: baked tortilla strips, brussel sprouts and sparkling mineral water. Digestive coyote shooting contest on Glendale freeway. Unlimited ammo. Rest of the afternoon free.
Dinner at the the hotel, then night party at the Beckhams' featuring Keanu Reeves and Britney Spears.

Day 2: Early departure to Crenshaw under police escort. Short stop to Baldwin Village. Freestyle rap exhibition followed by live street execution of three members from the Black P. Stones. 1992 riots testimonial tour with video projection of the Rodney King beating, along with a listening of George Bush Sr speech about the "brutality of mob" violently challenging "good and decent policemen". Quick shopping in a gun shop and short explanations to tour participants who wondered why they couldn't see one single shop like that in Beverly Hills the morning before.
Lunch in a filthy mexican bar and live abortion of a Puerto Rican girl in the toilets. Other questions from participants who definitely can't understand what's going on here.
4-hour transfer to the Dodger Stadium to watch a baseball game between the L.A. Dodgers and the New York Giants. Thunders of applause for Greg Maddux peerless split-fingered fastball and final victory for the Dodgers.
Night party at Snood Dogg's villa featuring Jay-O-Felony and Kurupt: snuff movie scenario-writing session with Dimitri Kuznetsov's cousin, video-gaming in the living room, sex orgy at the stairs and dope smoking by the swimming pool. Police inspection at 3 in the morning easily dealt with via coke and dollars.

Day 3: horrible hangover and immediate repatriation in hearse of participants who ODed during their sleep. E-mails sent to their families. Relaxing day for the others at Cal State L.A. Fitness Center, with body massage and boiling-hot bath. Jogging and tennis playing with Monica Seles.
Cancellation of the long-expected afternoon visit to Holywood, due to the sudden strike of the gardeners who didn't see why they were the only ones around not being given a hand-job by Meg Ryan.
Transfer to the L.A. airport. Take-off by night. Bodybuilding show on screens. Eternal regrets to have to fly back and rejoin his wife in Nottingham.

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