Thursday, November 27, 2008

What if Jesus came back?

I read somewhere on the web something about the establishment of God's kingdom on Earth. The author of the article quoted the Book of Revelation ("he seventh angel blew his trumpet and there were loud voices shouting in heaven. The whole world has now become the Kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ, and He will reign forever and ever") and assumed the times were bad for Jesus and co to come back here. Too much violence, too much bigotry, too many muslims...

But then I thought: let's assume Jesus decides to come back to see how we're doing, what would happen next? And I figured out he would have a tricky job on his hands.

First, I suppose he would reappear somewhere in the ancient Judah, where he used to preach in his prime. That means either in Israƫl or Palestine. In both cases, there's a chance he will receive the same warm welcoming the British Airborne experienced in Arnhem in September 1944 when the paratroopers of its Majesty landed on General Bittrich's 4th SS Panzer Division. The only point of uncertainty is whether the Jews will get him before the Muslims and how much money they will ask the US government to set him free.

Then, the guy will surely try to go back to his former business: preaching, healing and irritating people who have political power. The problem is that these three market segments are overcrowded and extra-competitive.

What concerns preaching, Jesus will have to start with an update. He founded a Church which doesn't exist anylonger. The initital start-up has experienced dismantlements, mergers and takeovers and he will have to choose a new preaching banner: will he go for Catholicism, Orthodoxism, Protestantism, Baptism, Evangelism, Mormonism? A real market study has to be run here. Will Jesus come back with a marketing expert?

Healing should be less of a winding road since humanity is presumably eager to get rid of AIDS, cancer, aging and other plagues. But what will the medical corporations say if a lunatic comes with a free treatment and makes their products obsolete? There are at least a million people in the western world whose house, car, home cinema and Hi-Fi equipment depends on HIV-related diseases in sub-saharan Africa. Will Jesus find them another job?

As for irritating people who own political power, Jesus will have to get familiar with modern communication. If he simply stands on his wood box to deliver his speeches, he will have trouble with the police or the Big Issue man who sells newspapers and hates people who shout louder than him.
So he'll have to go on TV, maybe in a talk-show. He will have to get used to make-up and commercial breaks, he will need another haircut and on top of that he will have to be ready to answer David Letterman's inquisitive questions, such as: "Have you ever imagined, Jesus, to have sex with Paris Hilton?" But will he be ready for that?

I'm sure people are in a hurry to see the Lord back in action. But they have to be patient, and they need to understand Jesus wouldn't be Jesus if he hadn't an answer to all these questions. The Holy Bible shows he's human like us. So give him a little time to think first.

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