Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I looked at you

"I looked at you, you looked at me. I smiled at you, you smiled at me." Who said it was all bleak in Jim Morrison's elegiac world? Between two lines of cocain, the guy always found time to write a song or tag his name on a girl's ass.
But Jim's agenda cannot be seen as a school model. For most of us underachieving idiots, the New Year's eve party song would rather go like "I looked at her, she looked at him. I followed her, She slept with him." So what's the problem here and what are the solutions?

The problem here is that you are at Stephen Philips' party, you're drunk and thirsty for love but the targets are so many you can't fix yourself on one. And just when you think you found the right girl, she takes the hand of someone else and goes with him in the upstairs bathroom.
You're not Jim Morrison, so you can't throw your glass of whisky at her face and say "I'm gonna drink you now". You're not Bret Easton Ellis, so you can't simply walk to her and say: "Hey, I've got 543 friends waiting for me in a villa near the seaside, do you want to join?" You have to come with something else.

First tip: try reversing the lyrics. Things would be easier if it were like "She looked at me, I noticed her". Human beings are no different from other mammals: the female gives the first push (most of the time a non verbal one) and the male rushes in.
So stop striding along the rooms with a glass in your hand, and give a look around, chasing information, watching out for a sign. Unless you look like Michael from the Cherry Tree, some girl will have spotted you. But standing still is the key to get a proper view.

Second tip: don't put yourself under too much stress. It's scientifically proved that the woman knows after 3 seconds whether she finds you attractive enough to consider a body connection. All the bullshit you will say is a mere socializer. So spit it out but don't rely too much on it. As they like to put it, "it's not what he says, it's the way he says it."

Third tip: leave her alone at some part, and come back later. Competition is the name of the game. Girls usually don't like being cornered for too long. Unlike us, they like dancing, chatting and readjusting their hair in front of the mirror. Don't block the way between her and the rest of the world. The time she'll spend on her own is probably as fruitful - even more - than the time you spent chatting her up.

Fourth tip: don't go to the bathroom to jerk off. It's tantalizing to do that, to unleash the devil and get your mind back. But the devil inside you is what you need here. An apparent erection looks terrible to us, and it certainly brings us back to what we really are, but all signs of mating are welcome.

Here you are, folks. Enjoy your meal the next time you party at Stephen Philips' place, and try to tag some ass during the night. You probably won't meet me there, since I will be surfing on to find a girl for my father. But bring me back a pants or two to show me your good work.

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Anonymous said...

does it have to have sperm on it?

Anonymous said...

does your father need eastern europe females ? ...
I Know someone who could interest him. She works in Boulogne.

Pierre Alexander said...

Answer to comment 1: no, it doesn't
Answer to comment 2: yes, he does