What if Jesus came back?

I read somewhere on the web something about the establishment of God's kingdom on Earth. The author of the article quoted the Book of Revelation ("he seventh angel blew his trumpet and there were loud voices shouting in heaven. The whole world has now become the Kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ, and He will reign forever and ever") and assumed the times were bad for Jesus and co to come back here. Too much violence, too much bigotry, too many muslims...

But then I thought: let's assume Jesus decides to come back to see how we're doing, what would happen next? And I figured out he would have a tricky job on his hands.

First, I suppose he would reappear somewhere in the ancient Judah, where he used to preach in his prime. That means either in Israël or Palestine. In both cases, there's a chance he will receive the same warm welcoming the British Airborne experienced in Arnhem in September 1944 when the paratroopers of its Majesty landed on General Bittrich's 4th SS Panzer Division. The only point of uncertainty is whether the Jews will get him before the Muslims and how much money they will ask the US government to set him free.

Then, the guy will surely try to go back to his former business: preaching, healing and irritating people who have political power. The problem is that these three market segments are overcrowded and extra-competitive.

What concerns preaching, Jesus will have to start with an update. He founded a Church which doesn't exist anylonger. The initital start-up has experienced dismantlements, mergers and takeovers and he will have to choose a new preaching banner: will he go for Catholicism, Orthodoxism, Protestantism, Baptism, Evangelism, Mormonism? A real market study has to be run here. Will Jesus come back with a marketing expert?

Healing should be less of a winding road since humanity is presumably eager to get rid of AIDS, cancer, aging and other plagues. But what will the medical corporations say if a lunatic comes with a free treatment and makes their products obsolete? There are at least a million people in the western world whose house, car, home cinema and Hi-Fi equipment depends on HIV-related diseases in sub-saharan Africa. Will Jesus find them another job?

As for irritating people who own political power, Jesus will have to get familiar with modern communication. If he simply stands on his wood box to deliver his speeches, he will have trouble with the police or the Big Issue man who sells newspapers and hates people who shout louder than him.
So he'll have to go on TV, maybe in a talk-show. He will have to get used to make-up and commercial breaks, he will need another haircut and on top of that he will have to be ready to answer David Letterman's inquisitive questions, such as: "Have you ever imagined, Jesus, to have sex with Paris Hilton?" But will he be ready for that?

I'm sure people are in a hurry to see the Lord back in action. But they have to be patient, and they need to understand Jesus wouldn't be Jesus if he hadn't an answer to all these questions. The Holy Bible shows he's human like us. So give him a little time to think first.

A short introduction to: the far-left crusader

Television is a wonderful thing. It shows news, advertising, weather forecast, soap operas, sports, sex, music and films. But what makes television truly wonderful is that it shows to the population exotic things which people rarely have a chance to see.
These exotic things mostly consist in tropical islands, remote seashores, rain forests and magnificent birds. But there are things, or rather people, which are even more exotic than that and whose extraordinary vision of the world leaves the simple-minded TV viewer in a state of mental catharsis close to divine revelation whenever they hear their words.

These people are the far-left activists. Gutted by the prejudices in our western societies, fueled by the hate of injustice and discriminations, they fight like crusaders on every piece of land and give a hard time to every infidel who stands in their way, be it the corrupted cynics who lead the country, the brutal cops who give ill-treatment to their unlucky victims or the unthinking ignorant crowd that goes shopping on friday afternoon while people are starving at the other hand of the planet.

But they have more in store than that. They have the power to redefine the language and to unmask those who use it to feed their fascist propaganda. They read Orwell's 1984 and understood the power of Newspeak. The real war has to be a war of words and a war on words.

The other day, during a TV debate, one of them crusaders heard a guest say the word "race". This crusader reacted by asking: "Excuse-me, what do you mean by 'race'?"
The guest didn't expect that question. He thought everyone had opened a dictionnary once in his life and had come across this definition: "Race (noun): A local geographic or global human population distinguished as a more or less distinct group by genetically transmitted physical characteristics including skin color, hair type, body proportions, and skull measurements."
So, he just answered: "Well, the color of the skin. You are black an I am white."

The crusader was petrified. She asked for more: "So in your opinion, the fact that I am black and that you are white makes me belong to another race than yours?"
The guest replied: "Yes, of course." The crusader couldn't hold her breath. She couldn't believe what she heard. The only problem here is that she had been militating for miscegenation since she was 18, and it was the guest's turn to ask: "How can there be a miscegenation, which you advocate for, if there are no races?"

The crusader didn't even answer. Her ears were closed now, while her friends from "SOS Racism" were already preparing their press release to express their surprise and indignation at Mr Guest's rehabilitation of the ugly "theory of races".

Nevermind the fact that Mr Guest clearly said later that Hitler's sacralization of the races was twice as ridiculous (the infidel is only entitled to say stupid things), nevermind the fact that militating for miscegenation implies indeed miscegenation, and nevermind the fact that an association called 'SOS Racism' was meant to fight racism (which may be understood by some as discrimination between races), the crusader won on two points.

1: she succeeded in turning half of the population against potentially useful progressist ideas by discrediting those who are expected to defend them.

2: she made Alfred Jarry and his Ubu the King laugh in his grave, which had not happened since the Monty Python released The Life of Brian back in 1979.

Sex and exploration

I will come here with the first serious new theory of the 21th century: you can't know a girl unless you fucked her.

You can fuck a girl and still not know her, but it is nevertheless a prerequisite. All that will or has been said against it is irrelevant, and can from now on be classified along with the other eunuch fantasies such as platonic love and lustless friendship. All this nonsense has been invented by girls who, out of remorse, wanted to help guys they didn't fancy to get over their disappointment. It's been taken over by overshy or overugly chaps who never could get their hand on a girl and still wanted to have their say on the matter.

But the time has come to face the truth. Your ex-girlfriends and your current one are the only females you really know. Your mother will always be mystery to you and only your father can give you clues to understand why she drinks whisky after work or cries in front of a dead dog. The case of your sister is no different, and you just have to focuse on feeding the sexual repression process to keep yourself out of trouble.

Just consider the true meaning of the syntagm "Women I've known" (like when your father tells you: "out of all the women I've known, your mother is the worse in bed"). The verb "to know" here is only commutable with the verb "to fuck". But it's even more subtle than that. "To know" in this context includes the whole process of exploration, which necessarily contains (but is not limited to) the "fuck" part.

Philosophy, as often, offers a back-up to linguistics. The concept of intimacy rests on the non-separability of the human being who is at all times body and soul. Michel Foucault reminds us in his masterpiece "Surveiller et punir" that torture in the Middle-age, and long after that, aimed at purging the soul by inflicting pain to the body.
The body is a tunnel that leads to the soul and there are no spiritual experiences which aren't based on softing (or hardening) the bony part of yourself to make way for the immaterial. Whether it is silence or starvation, reclusion or mass-gathering, all religions set down-to-the-ground rules to make the magic happen.

The exploration of woman is no different from the quest for God: it's beautiful and vain, and it implies a bidimensional approach.