Pet sounds

No, this is not an article about the Beach Boys. This is an article about dogs. So let's try to imagine you're a dog. Being a dog, your job basically consists in barking at the postman, eating the disgusting probiotic dogfood which your owner gives you, urinating here and there to mark your territory and sniffing at some other dog's ass once in a while to see whether it smells like the nasty turd that was layed in your backyard. But there is actually more in being a dog.

If you're a fan of Walt Disney's 101 Dalmatians, you can also offer your services as a matchmaker. You can do it the old-fashioned way, by joining your owner for a walk in the park and improvising a new Pongo ritual, or you can do it the modern way, by trying your paws on the PC's keyboard and adding to your owner's favorites the webpage http://www.datemypet.com.
Pet owners love to meet other pet owners, and it's only justice that a website should make it easier for them.

But would it not be justice as well to make it possible for us dogs to find a mating soul on the Internet? Is it fair for us dogs to be deprived of the outstanding breakthroughs of new technologies? Are we bound, as dogs, to sniff randomly at a hundred smelly asses before we find the perfect match? Just because we can't properly use mobile phones and condoms, should we be kept away from modernity?

If you find it unfair, if you find it outrageous, www.date-dog.com is here for you. It's a meeting website for dogs and it is already a huge success among the dog community. Thousands of dogs have already registered there and entered their profile.
For instance, Houbi the Bedlington Terrier from Toulouse has described himself as a sociable, intelligent and punchy single dog, and his profile has been viewed by 41 female dogs. Among them was Ophélie from Brittany, a romantic yorkshire who wrote on her profile: "I fancy going out, sleeping late and hugging :)"
They met and had a crush on eachother. If it happened to them, why shouldn't it happen to you? So my fellow dogs, come and register and at least give it a try. The first month is free and you can win a bone and a Playstation 3.

Animal lover

Usually, the word "revisionism" refers to attention-seeking right-wing politicians or historians who claim that the nazi concentration camps consisted in leisure resorts for homeless people. I think it's about time to give this concept a second birth by using it in another area, and that's zoology.

Many scientists make a habit of breaking the neck of common-shared ideas about the animal world. One of their hobby-horses is to point at people who, in their opinion, clearly overreact to the unsupported threat caused by lovely animals such as sharks, snakes, tigers, bats, spiders, scorpions crocodiles and britons.

Based on the trustworthy opinion of these scientists, here is a short list of harmless animals you can definitely swim with or keep as a pet:

White sharks: they may look nasty, but they're only attracted to areas with fish activity. Besides, they're not agressive and just "inquisitive" (says Theo Ferreira, founder and director of the Great White Shark project). To be all right, just make sure you lack conversation and avoid areas where fishes live (which I think is called the sea, by the way)

Lions: "A lion can be dangerous because it induces fear in human beings. In the absence of human beings, lions are not dangerous" (Gordon Graham). So the matter is settled, then. Make sure you're invisible or dress up as something else (a gazelle or a zebra, for instance) and they will leave you in peace.

Snakes: Always keep in mind that they are shy creatures and will not attack unless bothered. "Snakes don't really want to do humans any harm. In most snakebite accidents, it was the human that provoked the snake into biting." (www.scienceray.com) It's true that in most cases, the guy who was bitten forgot to introduce himself properly or didn't ring the doorbell.

Bats: "It's true that they can transmit rabies. But simple rules of caution such as avoiding bats with a strange behaviour will minimize the risk." (Dr Laetitia Barlerin, veterinarian) Fair enough, but can someone tell me what is a bat's normal behaviour?

Britons: "People should remember that half of all violent crime is fuelled by alcohol." says Shadow UK Home Secretary David Davis. But then he adds: "More than 8 million Britons are problem drinkers" So is it safe to keep a briton as a pet? Of yourse it is. I've got one in my closet. The only thing to remember is you must not keep a beer and a briton in the same cage.