The touristic tour series: Los Angeles, USA

Another 4-day travel package to our new destination: Los Angeles

Day 1: Landing at the Los Angeles International Airport at 10 PM. Full body inspection at the Customs for bacteria checkout. 3-hour waiting for luggage delivery and another 3 hours to find the exit gate. Night bus transfer to the hotel with television sets above each sit broadcasting bodybuilding TV shows. Breakfast at the hotel on arrival: two eggs, sourdough toast, coffee or chocolate splash and fresh orange juice.
Morning visit of Beverly Hills ghetto on trolley. Regular stops to allow tour participants to take pictures of Brenda's house and Dylan's college. Day view of Sunset Boulevard and Santa Monica by bus. 2 miles down Angeles crest Scenic byway, interchange on SR1 overlapping I-405, then eastbound exit to Riverside Drive after reaching Verdugo Road's forty-fourth traffic light. Confused replies to participants asking where Melrose Place is.
Lunch in a macrobiotic restaurant located on 7119 Melrose Avenue. Menu: baked tortilla strips, brussel sprouts and sparkling mineral water. Digestive coyote shooting contest on Glendale freeway. Unlimited ammo. Rest of the afternoon free.
Dinner at the the hotel, then night party at the Beckhams' featuring Keanu Reeves and Britney Spears.

Day 2: Early departure to Crenshaw under police escort. Short stop to Baldwin Village. Freestyle rap exhibition followed by live street execution of three members from the Black P. Stones. 1992 riots testimonial tour with video projection of the Rodney King beating, along with a listening of George Bush Sr speech about the "brutality of mob" violently challenging "good and decent policemen". Quick shopping in a gun shop and short explanations to tour participants who wondered why they couldn't see one single shop like that in Beverly Hills the morning before.
Lunch in a filthy mexican bar and live abortion of a Puerto Rican girl in the toilets. Other questions from participants who definitely can't understand what's going on here.
4-hour transfer to the Dodger Stadium to watch a baseball game between the L.A. Dodgers and the New York Giants. Thunders of applause for Greg Maddux peerless split-fingered fastball and final victory for the Dodgers.
Night party at Snood Dogg's villa featuring Jay-O-Felony and Kurupt: snuff movie scenario-writing session with Dimitri Kuznetsov's cousin, video-gaming in the living room, sex orgy at the stairs and dope smoking by the swimming pool. Police inspection at 3 in the morning easily dealt with via coke and dollars.

Day 3: horrible hangover and immediate repatriation in hearse of participants who ODed during their sleep. E-mails sent to their families. Relaxing day for the others at Cal State L.A. Fitness Center, with body massage and boiling-hot bath. Jogging and tennis playing with Monica Seles.
Cancellation of the long-expected afternoon visit to Holywood, due to the sudden strike of the gardeners who didn't see why they were the only ones around not being given a hand-job by Meg Ryan.
Transfer to the L.A. airport. Take-off by night. Bodybuilding show on screens. Eternal regrets to have to fly back and rejoin his wife in Nottingham.

For further investigation:
http://www.losangeles.com/attractions/

10 reasons why I hate Keira Knightley and why you should do the same

The following list gives you 10 reasons NOT to go and watch a film featuring Keira Knightley:

1. She's English. She was born in Teddington and if it doesn't ring a bell in you, it's about time you consider full-drug psychotherapy.

2. She's hot and sexy. She gives me a hard-on everytime I get to see her on the screen, in the same way as Scarlet Johansson, Charlize Theron and Marion Cotillard. This has spoiled every serious relationship I tried to build with a girl, when we didn't have a chance not to come across a TV set, a cinema, a movie poster or a magazine (so civilization, really). I won't let that happen again.

3. She always manages to wear men's clothes at some part of her films, whether it is a pirate costume or a bohemian hat, and ends up giving orders to everyone. This is simply unbearable.

4. She played the decoy queen in Star Wars Episode I (the one who provides cover to the real queen Nathalie Portman) and even after 23 viewings I still can't recognize her. I suspect there's a lie underneath it.

5. I have no fitfh reason.

6. I have no sixth reason either.

7. She plays a very despicable trick on Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean 2, tying his wrists to the mast with handcuffs while licking his face. No surprise the guy found it hard to fight the Cracken after that. Women are so vicious...

8. She won't sleep with me.

9. She gives me no serious reason for that.

10. I hate Holywood